writer's block

I haven't used this excuse in a while, but if the shoe fits. I am having the hardest time writing my personal statement for my PhD applications. And the more I think about it, the worse it gets. So I should not think about it at all, right? Wait, what? No, I really need to have it done. I need to have it done two weeks ago.

Lie.

That was my friend's advice last night. I need an arc, he said. I have no arc, I said. He said, Lie. There's a major flaw with this plan: I don't lie. Certainly not well, at any rate.

So beyond that, what do I say? I sit down to write this and I babble all of the things I don't want to write, things that one should never write in a personal statement, because I know what those things are. I like to read, I like to write, I want to go to school forever, please give me money. I have no teaching experience, I've never been published, and I've spent the last ten years working in the restaurant business. Which, as a creative writer, was useful for personal statements when I applied to MFA programs. Or maybe wasn't useful, because I didn't get in. And I'm so glad I didn't, don't get me wrong, but I'm reading the essay I sent to NYU and I'm thinking, how in the world did I expect to get in with this shit.

And I sent one of my recommenders an essay I wrote for her as an undergrad, so I read that and then immediately read the intro to my thesis, and I'm thinking, wow, this is actually kind of brainy. It was a good feeling. My writing has improved so vastly in the last two years.

So why can't I write this personal statement?

What's my arc? Travel?

Everything I think, I immediately think is lame. But it's not and I know it's not, I'm not trying to sound self-deprecating, but when I write about my travels, when I try to put it into words, the words fail to convey any of the experience, they can't measure up in the least, and it makes me feel like I'm cheapening the experience, and so I find it even more difficult to write about it, and it's this vicious cycle...

Can I tie where I've been to my research interests? Yes, but I've never been to the 1960s. Is that the problem? That's a silly problem to have. If I make writing this thing sound trivial, will it be easier to do? It's not trivial though. It makes a big difference when one is applying to such competitive programs.

But you know what. I'm going to do it, and it will be great, and I'm totally going to get in, and five years from now I will be even smarter, and I will scoff (because that's what academics do) at my younger self. It will be brilliant.