having to prove it

My friend J gave me the best advice the other night. "We all know you're smart," he said. "You don't have to go to law school to prove it."

Because, in one sense, that would be what I would be doing. I just hadn't thought about it that way. I think I would be really good at it. That's not the same thing as wanting to do it.

Because I don't actually want to be a lawyer. I already have a master's degree. ("How's that working out for you?") I'm already a hundred thousand dollars in debt. Research, analysis, argument? Totally my thing. Yes, please. But in a completely different setting. I have no qualms about not wanting to be a teacher or professor. So why have I been thinking about law school again so much?

(Re "again": Anyone remember when I decided at the very last minute not to take the LSATs a year and a half ago? I remember that moment very clearly.)

Because I've been feeling a little directionless. That's not actually accurate, but that's how it feels. I feel like I'm going in a few different directions and neglecting the one that means the most to me.

(So fix it. - It's not that simple.)

This is not a new feeling, it's sort of a constant tide that is flowing more than ebbing at the moment, and it's exacerbated by the fact of itself. The anxiety only makes me more anxious.

But it will fade. There are a lot of projects I'm working on, the magazine is off to a nice start, and work (while having nothing to do with my academic/artistic life) is going smashingly. I really do enjoy my job, and my colleagues are my best friends, and I do a better than good job, and I try to do a great job (although beginning the composition of this blog entry while behind the bar on a Saturday night might not support that statement).

So going back to J's statement, if this is partially about proving it, which of course it is, if only in the sense that success is proof of itself, then the only way to do that is to do the work and to not worry about it because worrying only means that it doesn't get done. So what that I'm reading (or not reading) like seven books at the moment and working on (or not working on) like ten pieces? I should start five more of each! Bring it on. It will all get taken care of.