I feel so rejuvenated. I could be cynical and say it's because I saw how messed up some other people's lives are, but that would be a gross misrepresentation of how I actually feel. Be that as it may, I had some much needed shopping therapy on my way back to the city, with purchases including a desk and a bookshelf, both completely essential, which means I can start working in my room as soon as I clean my desk off. I moved everything out of my room and put everything back into it in an almost entirely different configuration, AND I did laundry, and I still got out of here in time to do a little salsa dancing on the lower east side. And all that after getting up and driving the rental car all the way up to frickin' LaGuardia, meaning I got totally lost like four times. Why do I do this to myself? I always say I'm never going to drive in the city again, and then I do. No parking tickets this time, though, which brings the grand total of times I've rented a car or truck and not gotten a ticket - 2. Really. The one time I even got up at 6 to move the car, and what happened? From one no parking zone to another. Brilliant. That's what I get for not having put my contacts in to drive around the block. How people own cars here, I have no idea.
Here's something. I've been kicking around going back to paid-employment, and my very good friend told me last week, "not to sound like your dad or anything," that he thought I should, and I said, "that's funny, because I doubt my father thinks I should be working right now." Me and my big mouth. So I relay this exchange to my dad over lunch last week, and what does he say? "Actually, I think you should get a job." "Just part time," he and my sister assured me. And THEN: last night, same very good friend, says this into my ear, not looking at me: "I just think you're being lazy right now." I'm taking this out of context, and of course words on a screen don't convey tone in the least (his tone was, it's fine, it's understandable, you like having a break, no one wants to work, but you know you should - that kind of thing: not aggressive, but very much a 'come on, you know better' type deal), but LAZY?? My feelings were hurt. He took back the lazy bit, but it highlights that not very many people in my life understand what I'm doing here. And last week, I was one of those people, and somehow now I feel like I have a bit more perspective. I want to go back to work, I do, as much as I know I will hate it I miss my work friends, I miss - well, the whole thing really: the money, the interaction, even the big fake smiles. But I'm scared I will let it take over my life again, and without weekly classes and assignments, I am (legitimately, I think) worried my thesis will get away from me. And I can't afford to let that happen.
Hence, the new perspective this afternoon: this is my career we're talking about. This is serious. I'm not fucking around, taking my time writing a paper. This is a big deal.
At the same time, however (there's always a but, isn't there?), it is just a paper, in a sense. It is a paper I am prepared to write, one I am being trained for, one that I am perfectly capable of successfully completing.
And just as I pulled off the fall semester with full blown A's while working full time until the week before finals, I totally think I could pull off my thesis while working. But the thing is: I don't want to just pull it off. I'm tired of bullshitting the big stuff because I have so much else going on. Which sounds like I'm ready to focus.
Today, we plow through that stack of library books. And... go.
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