to blog yesterday. No matter; I didn't get much accomplished yesterday, as far as the thesis goes at least. I haven't been feeling very motivated lately, which is ironic considering I just made the decision to commit all of my energy to getting this thesis done. But, you know, when one has very little energy, one has very little energy to devote to anything.
No matter! Today I am feeling quite studious. I've started my day off with a good breakfast, a little NYTimes reading, a little blogging, a little emailing - I'm ready to go. My plan for today: first on the agenda is some intensive reading. I'm going to spend the next four hours working as diligently as I can manage, and then I can take a bit of a break, and I'll take it from there. I've found a possible reward for tomorrow night, so I need to have something to reward myself for, right?
Actually, I'm not giving myself enough credit, I think. Yesterday I read two brief theoretical essays, I finished a critical chapter on Vonnegut (meaning I have a book to return), I went to the grocery store (food is a necessity, after all), and I spent a fair amount of time on the phone with friends, which is always good. I think I would feel like I was getting more done if I was writing more (I haven't added to that daily reflection project yet), but I don't have that much to write yet, I'm still reading. I think I'm just a little afraid that I'm following the wrong lead, that I'm reading things that won't help me, that I'm wasting precious time I don't have. Perhaps I should do an evaluation of the books that I have, I'm sure at least a few of them will be completely extraneous to my purposes, and then I won't feel like I have a mountain of books to get through and that it's impossible. Ok. Good.
Like I say, playing this thing as I go.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
argh
I'm having such a hard time staying on task. I need to not be chained to this laptop, I think. I don't know what I need. Why do I almost always feel like I'm going stir crazy?
great Vonnegut quote
From an interview with C.D.B. Bryan, "Kurt Vonnegut, Head Bokononist," New York Times Book Review, 6 April 1969, p. 2 (italics in original).
"I've worried some about why write books, when Presidents and Senators and generals do not read them, [...] and the university experience taught me a very good reason: you catch people before they become generals and Senators and Presidents, and you poison their minds with humanity. Encourage them to make a better world."
Yeah.
"I've worried some about why write books, when Presidents and Senators and generals do not read them, [...] and the university experience taught me a very good reason: you catch people before they become generals and Senators and Presidents, and you poison their minds with humanity. Encourage them to make a better world."
Yeah.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
library day
I feel like I've accomplished something today. Whether I have or not, I'm not quite sure, but let's just assume that I have. I finished reading another book. Of course, I also picked one up off the shelves and I have three on hold waiting for me downstairs. And I didn't do a theory day, but I'm making it a short day, I think. I'm getting hungry.
I'm not sure about this whole lugging-my-laptop-around thing. I'm afraid it's going to get broken or something (read: stolen), and I have to take it home before I do anything for just that reason. Which means I'm going to lose valuable reading time traveling back to my apartment and then coming back into the city. Hmm...
31 days and counting. I just wrote down a bunch of call numbers, but the idea of carting even more books home tonight is not particularly appealing, so perhaps I will make a deal with myself to do a library run first thing tomorrow, sans laptop. I will also drop the thing I have to drop in the mail in the mail, and then stop at the grocery store since I obviously don't want to carry things tonight. That way I can work from home and still get out of the house. Have to get my vitamin D somehow, even if it is freezing. Going out at night doesn't really count, does it? Nope. Sure is fun though. Work hard, play hard.
I'm not sure about this whole lugging-my-laptop-around thing. I'm afraid it's going to get broken or something (read: stolen), and I have to take it home before I do anything for just that reason. Which means I'm going to lose valuable reading time traveling back to my apartment and then coming back into the city. Hmm...
31 days and counting. I just wrote down a bunch of call numbers, but the idea of carting even more books home tonight is not particularly appealing, so perhaps I will make a deal with myself to do a library run first thing tomorrow, sans laptop. I will also drop the thing I have to drop in the mail in the mail, and then stop at the grocery store since I obviously don't want to carry things tonight. That way I can work from home and still get out of the house. Have to get my vitamin D somehow, even if it is freezing. Going out at night doesn't really count, does it? Nope. Sure is fun though. Work hard, play hard.
twas not a day for plowing
I did finish with one of them, however, which is good, and I started another. AND I think I've settled on a theoretical angle, which is huge. It's something I should have had nailed down months ago, but while I absolutely love theory, I don't have enough experience with it to throw names and phrases around.
And I formed a sort of mental schedule, which I've been saying I was going to do for weeks now and haven't. I hate making schedules and daily plans because I hate feeling guilty when I don't follow them. And I caught myself thinking, starting Monday..., and you know what, that's not happening. Why don't I start tomorrow? It will be good for me to get out of the house. I could go to brunch! Why didn't I think of that before?? Probably because it's not a good idea to reward myself before I do anything... And I've no one to go with tomorrow, so perhaps I should set something up for next week. I'm not mentally prepared to go where I really want to go yet anyway. There either. I could go to the one I haven't been to in a while, later in the day, they have brunch until 4:30. It's a bit expensive though. We'll see.
It's supposed to snow tomorrow.
Tomorrow we are library-bound. I like the double meaning there: that I'm headed for the library and at the same time that I will be chained there. It means I will get more work done. There are too many distractions here. I let myself get too distracted here. I'm even going to pack my bag before I go to bed tonight. I have two books to return, and I have to decide how many to take with me... I have to pick one up there. I have twelve sitting here in front of me, and I need to get them done in a matter of days because I have to get a whole bunch more now. In fact, I think I may only take two tomorrow and check out a couple theory books because I'll most likely have to do more than skim them.
I think I should also start doing daily reflection papers for myself. Just a page or two, my own words, no pressure, but I need to start putting more of my own thoughts into print. Tonight I have nothing to write. I will set up a reflection document though. ...What do you know, I had a little bit to say. Always good to recap, right?
Had been thinking of a nightcap, but it seems I don't need one. Sleepy. Hasta la mañana.
And I formed a sort of mental schedule, which I've been saying I was going to do for weeks now and haven't. I hate making schedules and daily plans because I hate feeling guilty when I don't follow them. And I caught myself thinking, starting Monday..., and you know what, that's not happening. Why don't I start tomorrow? It will be good for me to get out of the house. I could go to brunch! Why didn't I think of that before?? Probably because it's not a good idea to reward myself before I do anything... And I've no one to go with tomorrow, so perhaps I should set something up for next week. I'm not mentally prepared to go where I really want to go yet anyway. There either. I could go to the one I haven't been to in a while, later in the day, they have brunch until 4:30. It's a bit expensive though. We'll see.
It's supposed to snow tomorrow.
Tomorrow we are library-bound. I like the double meaning there: that I'm headed for the library and at the same time that I will be chained there. It means I will get more work done. There are too many distractions here. I let myself get too distracted here. I'm even going to pack my bag before I go to bed tonight. I have two books to return, and I have to decide how many to take with me... I have to pick one up there. I have twelve sitting here in front of me, and I need to get them done in a matter of days because I have to get a whole bunch more now. In fact, I think I may only take two tomorrow and check out a couple theory books because I'll most likely have to do more than skim them.
I think I should also start doing daily reflection papers for myself. Just a page or two, my own words, no pressure, but I need to start putting more of my own thoughts into print. Tonight I have nothing to write. I will set up a reflection document though. ...What do you know, I had a little bit to say. Always good to recap, right?
Had been thinking of a nightcap, but it seems I don't need one. Sleepy. Hasta la mañana.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
(re)new(ed) energy
I feel so rejuvenated. I could be cynical and say it's because I saw how messed up some other people's lives are, but that would be a gross misrepresentation of how I actually feel. Be that as it may, I had some much needed shopping therapy on my way back to the city, with purchases including a desk and a bookshelf, both completely essential, which means I can start working in my room as soon as I clean my desk off. I moved everything out of my room and put everything back into it in an almost entirely different configuration, AND I did laundry, and I still got out of here in time to do a little salsa dancing on the lower east side. And all that after getting up and driving the rental car all the way up to frickin' LaGuardia, meaning I got totally lost like four times. Why do I do this to myself? I always say I'm never going to drive in the city again, and then I do. No parking tickets this time, though, which brings the grand total of times I've rented a car or truck and not gotten a ticket - 2. Really. The one time I even got up at 6 to move the car, and what happened? From one no parking zone to another. Brilliant. That's what I get for not having put my contacts in to drive around the block. How people own cars here, I have no idea.
Here's something. I've been kicking around going back to paid-employment, and my very good friend told me last week, "not to sound like your dad or anything," that he thought I should, and I said, "that's funny, because I doubt my father thinks I should be working right now." Me and my big mouth. So I relay this exchange to my dad over lunch last week, and what does he say? "Actually, I think you should get a job." "Just part time," he and my sister assured me. And THEN: last night, same very good friend, says this into my ear, not looking at me: "I just think you're being lazy right now." I'm taking this out of context, and of course words on a screen don't convey tone in the least (his tone was, it's fine, it's understandable, you like having a break, no one wants to work, but you know you should - that kind of thing: not aggressive, but very much a 'come on, you know better' type deal), but LAZY?? My feelings were hurt. He took back the lazy bit, but it highlights that not very many people in my life understand what I'm doing here. And last week, I was one of those people, and somehow now I feel like I have a bit more perspective. I want to go back to work, I do, as much as I know I will hate it I miss my work friends, I miss - well, the whole thing really: the money, the interaction, even the big fake smiles. But I'm scared I will let it take over my life again, and without weekly classes and assignments, I am (legitimately, I think) worried my thesis will get away from me. And I can't afford to let that happen.
Hence, the new perspective this afternoon: this is my career we're talking about. This is serious. I'm not fucking around, taking my time writing a paper. This is a big deal.
At the same time, however (there's always a but, isn't there?), it is just a paper, in a sense. It is a paper I am prepared to write, one I am being trained for, one that I am perfectly capable of successfully completing.
And just as I pulled off the fall semester with full blown A's while working full time until the week before finals, I totally think I could pull off my thesis while working. But the thing is: I don't want to just pull it off. I'm tired of bullshitting the big stuff because I have so much else going on. Which sounds like I'm ready to focus.
Today, we plow through that stack of library books. And... go.
Here's something. I've been kicking around going back to paid-employment, and my very good friend told me last week, "not to sound like your dad or anything," that he thought I should, and I said, "that's funny, because I doubt my father thinks I should be working right now." Me and my big mouth. So I relay this exchange to my dad over lunch last week, and what does he say? "Actually, I think you should get a job." "Just part time," he and my sister assured me. And THEN: last night, same very good friend, says this into my ear, not looking at me: "I just think you're being lazy right now." I'm taking this out of context, and of course words on a screen don't convey tone in the least (his tone was, it's fine, it's understandable, you like having a break, no one wants to work, but you know you should - that kind of thing: not aggressive, but very much a 'come on, you know better' type deal), but LAZY?? My feelings were hurt. He took back the lazy bit, but it highlights that not very many people in my life understand what I'm doing here. And last week, I was one of those people, and somehow now I feel like I have a bit more perspective. I want to go back to work, I do, as much as I know I will hate it I miss my work friends, I miss - well, the whole thing really: the money, the interaction, even the big fake smiles. But I'm scared I will let it take over my life again, and without weekly classes and assignments, I am (legitimately, I think) worried my thesis will get away from me. And I can't afford to let that happen.
Hence, the new perspective this afternoon: this is my career we're talking about. This is serious. I'm not fucking around, taking my time writing a paper. This is a big deal.
At the same time, however (there's always a but, isn't there?), it is just a paper, in a sense. It is a paper I am prepared to write, one I am being trained for, one that I am perfectly capable of successfully completing.
And just as I pulled off the fall semester with full blown A's while working full time until the week before finals, I totally think I could pull off my thesis while working. But the thing is: I don't want to just pull it off. I'm tired of bullshitting the big stuff because I have so much else going on. Which sounds like I'm ready to focus.
Today, we plow through that stack of library books. And... go.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Home
is a funny thing. This short trip is very good for me. No thesis stuff until I get back in the city Friday.
My nephew is the most beautiful creature to have ever been born. I'm not kidding. I was prepared to coo over a little old man face, but he's gorgeous. I held him as much as possible today while he dreamed little infant dreams in my arms.
Also, for sushi lovers such as myself, this is not good news. Tuna is probably one of my favorite things ever. Ah, well. As the article says, there are plenty of other sushi options. Eel is also quite delicious, especially with cucumber and avocado, that bbq sauce they put on top of it...
Tata for now.
My nephew is the most beautiful creature to have ever been born. I'm not kidding. I was prepared to coo over a little old man face, but he's gorgeous. I held him as much as possible today while he dreamed little infant dreams in my arms.
Also, for sushi lovers such as myself, this is not good news. Tuna is probably one of my favorite things ever. Ah, well. As the article says, there are plenty of other sushi options. Eel is also quite delicious, especially with cucumber and avocado, that bbq sauce they put on top of it...
Tata for now.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Add to that
picking up a new phone. I dropped mine last night amidst the hubbub.
...And have now just planned another evening out. I should purchase road snacks while I'm out, but what would I want?... The last thing I'm going to want tomorrow is fast food, but I'm not feeling lukewarm veggies. But I'm not going to want to stop for a meal, either. I never do. Just get there, that's all I'll be able to think. It'll be alright.
It will all be alright.
...And have now just planned another evening out. I should purchase road snacks while I'm out, but what would I want?... The last thing I'm going to want tomorrow is fast food, but I'm not feeling lukewarm veggies. But I'm not going to want to stop for a meal, either. I never do. Just get there, that's all I'll be able to think. It'll be alright.
It will all be alright.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
knock it out
Of the park, not knock someone out, that would be unnecessary.
Time to play. Night, y'all.
So here was my to do list:
1. print maps
2. Pack (except for toiletries, of course)
3. clean out closet
4. litter box
5. cut hair
6. library run
7. grab booze
8. make roadtrip cd (two, in fact)
Tomorrow:
1. 1.Library
2. 2. Bank
Time to play. Night, y'all.
shifting gears
My attention span has never been what we'd call "long." I get a lot more done if I have a lot more going on. With that in mind, I've shifted gears a bit. Here's why: those twelve books I checked out the other day: well, they've more to do with literature and culture or history or postmodernism or the Cold War or what have you, and I think it's important not only to get this stack looming over my laptop taken care of but to have my more comprehensive readings done before I really get into my close readings. That being said, I'm also going out of town for a few days. And I'd rather not try to get everything done tomorrow because I'll just whip myself into a frenzy.
So here's my to do list:
1. print maps
2. pack
3. clean out closet (I'm making a goodwill run while I'm there)
4. litter box
5. cut hair (I already cut my bangs - there's no going back now)
6. library run (two books I have on hold have come in), (by 6:45 if I go today, by 8:45 if I go tomorrow)
7. grab booze (my friends are having a party tonight), (though technically, I can stop at the deli or bring something from my stash here)
8. make roadtrip cd (this is very important!!)
Is that it? I think that might be it. I love how item two - "pack" - reduces what will take me at least an hour and probably two goes (I forget things) to a four-letter word.
And if there's time left over, I'll continue reading the book I spent hours and hours on yesterday (in between googling and wikipedia-ing little references or events or people or what have you), which contains a chapter on Cat's Cradle which I don't agree with. Maybe it's just that any way you read something, you have to ignore something else. Which is a little frustrating, but also completely liberating because it means there are no right answers, there is no exhaustive reading, there is no last word. Hooray for postmodernism. Because it was a revolution or something? Uh, no.
I need a sunny vacay, and it's colder where I'm going than where I am. Blagh. Soon. Never soon enough, though. Sand between my toes. Salt on my skin. Sun. Mmm. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is.
So here's my to do list:
1. print maps
2. pack
3. clean out closet (I'm making a goodwill run while I'm there)
4. litter box
5. cut hair (I already cut my bangs - there's no going back now)
6. library run (two books I have on hold have come in), (by 6:45 if I go today, by 8:45 if I go tomorrow)
7. grab booze (my friends are having a party tonight), (though technically, I can stop at the deli or bring something from my stash here)
8. make roadtrip cd (this is very important!!)
Is that it? I think that might be it. I love how item two - "pack" - reduces what will take me at least an hour and probably two goes (I forget things) to a four-letter word.
And if there's time left over, I'll continue reading the book I spent hours and hours on yesterday (in between googling and wikipedia-ing little references or events or people or what have you), which contains a chapter on Cat's Cradle which I don't agree with. Maybe it's just that any way you read something, you have to ignore something else. Which is a little frustrating, but also completely liberating because it means there are no right answers, there is no exhaustive reading, there is no last word. Hooray for postmodernism. Because it was a revolution or something? Uh, no.
I need a sunny vacay, and it's colder where I'm going than where I am. Blagh. Soon. Never soon enough, though. Sand between my toes. Salt on my skin. Sun. Mmm. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
one bite at a time
I've just realized that this is a food metaphor. Am I consuming my work? Not really, no. More like I am consumed by my work. Or fighting that consumption? Whatevs.
In the next two hours I will knock out this book I started last night. Tomorrow will be a working day.
On a more personal note, I am now an aunt. Big grins. He looks just like my sister, he has her little nose. Or perhaps rather a little version of her nose. I get to meet him on Monday.
In the next two hours I will knock out this book I started last night. Tomorrow will be a working day.
On a more personal note, I am now an aunt. Big grins. He looks just like my sister, he has her little nose. Or perhaps rather a little version of her nose. I get to meet him on Monday.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
I have a nephew!!
Can I tell you how brave I think my sister is right now?
Okay, that's totally sentimental and way unlike me, I mean, she just did something millions of women do every day, but still. She's my baby.
Okay, that's totally sentimental and way unlike me, I mean, she just did something millions of women do every day, but still. She's my baby.
change of plans
A bit of a change of plan last night - for me anyway; I assume my friends still went to dinner and the movie. But one of my other very good friends was having a birthday, so I went to join him for margaritas and Mexican food in west midtown at this lovely place called Toloache, which, according to their website, gets its name from a flowering plant that is used in love potions in Mexico. Que romantico! I just had a few Tezon margaritas and the Tacos de Pastor, which were both completely amazing. And then we went carousing.
Another reason plans may be changing is that my baby sister is having a baby - as I type this, in fact - so I'm venturing toward the homestead. But do I go tomorrow? Or do I go Monday as I had sort of had in mind?
Also, when I dropped off those three library books yesterday, I checked out twelve more, so I was really hoping to put a dent in those today. Not that my thesis is more important than my family, than my first nephew, than my parents' first grandchild, than my sisters. But a few days won't make a difference, right? The first few days the kids look kind of like elves. Not that elves aren't cute.
...Really it's just that I haven't had time to make a roadtrip cd, as is my tradition, something to sing my little lungs out to for several hundred miles. My dad wants me to fly. How do I tell him I want to be alone for so many hours? A woman has to have her priorities.
Another reason plans may be changing is that my baby sister is having a baby - as I type this, in fact - so I'm venturing toward the homestead. But do I go tomorrow? Or do I go Monday as I had sort of had in mind?
Also, when I dropped off those three library books yesterday, I checked out twelve more, so I was really hoping to put a dent in those today. Not that my thesis is more important than my family, than my first nephew, than my parents' first grandchild, than my sisters. But a few days won't make a difference, right? The first few days the kids look kind of like elves. Not that elves aren't cute.
...Really it's just that I haven't had time to make a roadtrip cd, as is my tradition, something to sing my little lungs out to for several hundred miles. My dad wants me to fly. How do I tell him I want to be alone for so many hours? A woman has to have her priorities.
change of plans
A bit of a change of plan last night - for me anyway; I assume my friends still went to dinner and the movie. But one of my other very good friends was having a birthday, so I went to join him for margaritas and Mexican food in west midtown at this lovely place called Toloache, which, according to their website, gets its name from a flowering plant that is used in love potions in Mexico. Que romantico! I just had a few Tezon margaritas and the Tacos de Pastor, which were both completely amazing. And then we went carousing.
Another reason plans may be changing is that my baby sister is having a baby - as I type this, in fact - so I'm venturing toward the homestead. But do I go tomorrow? (and miss my friends' party this weekend, and have to deal with my brother-in-law's brother and his girlfriend which is really the issue). Or do I go Monday as I had sort of had in mind? (meaning I have the baby all to myself while I'm there). My nephew's obviously more important than the party; I should probably meet someone related to my brother-in-law at some point; not all of the holiday presents I ordered for my fam have arrived yet (including my other sister's, who I think might feel a bit neglected, even if she would deny it), and I wanted to make the baby slippers and a blanket or something but I haven't found a place to buy cheap yarn; my sister will be in the hospital until Friday anyway; things will have calmed down a little bit by Monday, meaning the trip will be a little less tiring, I imagine. I love my family, but we're all very strong personalities - which is ordinarily a good thing. Like when I'm several hundred miles away. ;)
Also, when I dropped off those three library books yesterday, I checked out twelve more, so I was really hoping to put a dent in those today. Not that my thesis is more important than my family, than my first nephew, than my parents' first grandchild, than my sisters. But a few days won't make a difference, right? The first few days the kids look kind of like elves. Not that elves aren't cute.
...Really it's just that I haven't had time to make a roadtrip cd, as is my tradition, something to sing my little lungs out to for several hundred miles. My dad wants me to fly. How do I tell him I want to be alone for so many hours? A woman has to have her priorities.
Another reason plans may be changing is that my baby sister is having a baby - as I type this, in fact - so I'm venturing toward the homestead. But do I go tomorrow? (and miss my friends' party this weekend, and have to deal with my brother-in-law's brother and his girlfriend which is really the issue). Or do I go Monday as I had sort of had in mind? (meaning I have the baby all to myself while I'm there). My nephew's obviously more important than the party; I should probably meet someone related to my brother-in-law at some point; not all of the holiday presents I ordered for my fam have arrived yet (including my other sister's, who I think might feel a bit neglected, even if she would deny it), and I wanted to make the baby slippers and a blanket or something but I haven't found a place to buy cheap yarn; my sister will be in the hospital until Friday anyway; things will have calmed down a little bit by Monday, meaning the trip will be a little less tiring, I imagine. I love my family, but we're all very strong personalities - which is ordinarily a good thing. Like when I'm several hundred miles away. ;)
Also, when I dropped off those three library books yesterday, I checked out twelve more, so I was really hoping to put a dent in those today. Not that my thesis is more important than my family, than my first nephew, than my parents' first grandchild, than my sisters. But a few days won't make a difference, right? The first few days the kids look kind of like elves. Not that elves aren't cute.
...Really it's just that I haven't had time to make a roadtrip cd, as is my tradition, something to sing my little lungs out to for several hundred miles. My dad wants me to fly. How do I tell him I want to be alone for so many hours? A woman has to have her priorities.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
running around
Big breakfast, finishing my tea, and heading to the library and to run some errands. Then, tonight, dinner and a movie with some friends. We're going to see There Will Be Blood after chowing some vegetarian fare.
check, check, and check
It is such a great feeling to have done everything I set out to do today (well, everything I said I was going to do earlier), and I got some file organizing done too, not to mention all the extraneous bits of information I picked up along the way. It's late. I'm tired. And I have library stuff to do tomorrow. Including returning three books, which is awesome. I will most likely be bringing more than that home with me, but that's not the point. Returning those will be satisfying as well. Night, y'all.
Monday, January 14, 2008
slow start
Time to get a move on. Today, I'm going to reread those two excerpts and that dissertation I mentioned the other day, and then continue my close reading.
But first: lunch. And coffee.
But first: lunch. And coffee.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
the weekend
I'm goofing off today. That's what Saturdays are for. I was going to write a bit, but I haven't. I did, however, organize a group outing tomorrow night, which is a lot of work. I'm not a planner when it comes to day-to-day things, only trips abroad...
Oooo, maybe I'll work on planning my trip abroad.
I can't help it; even my goofing off is productive!
Oooo, maybe I'll work on planning my trip abroad.
I can't help it; even my goofing off is productive!
Friday, January 11, 2008
evening recap
Not a bad evening.
To recap:
On the agenda for today:
1. organize a library list
2. Go through the articles I've already read for anything pertinent
a. Finish the book of essays started the other day
b. Three articles done, two excerpts to reread
3. either:
a. continue close reading, or
b. read this dissertation I checked out ages ago
Time to have a little fun. :)caffeinated
This is my current project - getting some caffeine in my system - and then I will be hard at work for several hours, or the rest of the night depending on what comes up. It's Friday, after all.
On the agenda for today:
1. organize a library list (no, I still haven't done that)
2. Go through the articles I've already read for anything pertinent
3. either:
a. continue close reading, or
b. read this dissertation I checked out ages ago
So, we're still on Shirley Jackson. I'd like to have something written by next Friday, at least an outline and extensive notes. I also think I'm going to start spending more time on campus because there are too many distractions at home. It will mean carting my laptop around, but it will give me some semblance of a schedule and it will get me out of the house and moving. Always good. And it will give me an excuse to get coffee and a bagel for breakfast.
Juno was awesome, by the way. Again.
On the agenda for today:
1. organize a library list (no, I still haven't done that)
2. Go through the articles I've already read for anything pertinent
3. either:
a. continue close reading, or
b. read this dissertation I checked out ages ago
So, we're still on Shirley Jackson. I'd like to have something written by next Friday, at least an outline and extensive notes. I also think I'm going to start spending more time on campus because there are too many distractions at home. It will mean carting my laptop around, but it will give me some semblance of a schedule and it will get me out of the house and moving. Always good. And it will give me an excuse to get coffee and a bagel for breakfast.
Juno was awesome, by the way. Again.
close reading
is tedious business. I've gotten to page 14. I'm not saying it took me four hours to get to page fourteen, that would be craziness. Nonetheless, I'm going to bed because I'm going to see Juno again tomorrow morning at what I guess is Times Square's answer to a matinee. My roommate found out you can see movies for like six bucks - half price! - so he's been getting up (at what is an early hour for the two of us) to see various flicks over the last few weeks. If you haven't seen this movie, you're probably the only one. It really is as good as they say. This will be my second viewing. Woo! Night, y'all.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
the Castle
Where to start... I finished raiding a bibliography, reread an essay, and read an essay on Jackson's earlier novel The Sundial which was sort of related to my topic. Unfortunately, the library's website wasn't cooperating, so I'll have to do that library list today. I made some notes pertinent to my thesis while reading articles about The Castle a few weeks ago, but I was focusing primarily on the paper I was writing at the time, and as I only had a few days for it, I tried to ignore thoughts about my thesis, thus the rereading. Luckily, my topic is a little out there compared to all of the Jackson scholarship I've encountered - there isn't very much of it. Shirley Jackson's been largely ignored since her death in 1965, and most of what's been written is about "The Lottery" or The Haunting of Hill House, though We Have Always Lived in the Castle probably comes in third.
And not to sound like a whipper-snapper or a cocky youth who will soon realize she knows less than she thought she did (I like to think I've passed that milestone, thank you), most of the things I've read about The Castle have made me wonder if these critics are actually reading the book. They present some very astute arguments and then throw in these blatant errors that leave me completely baffled. One I read the other night said something about the sisters subsisting on their foremothers' preserves in the cellar from here on out, but Merricat has already told us that "Each year Constance and Uncle Julian and I had jam or preserve or pickle that Constance had made, but we never touched what belonged to the others; Constance said it would kill us if we ate it" (61). Even more shocking, though, was the same critic's seemingly benign substitution of Merricat for Constance: he wrote that Uncle Julian liked to see Merricat reading, but Merricat tells us that "he liked to see Constance reading in the evening" (3). What makes this slip preposterous is that Uncle Julian, in his damaged mental condition, believes Merricat to be dead and never once acknowledges her existence.
But let's talk about me. My thesis topic, if I may remind us all, has to do with the narrator's tendency, in the wake of catastrophe, to reorganize the past by superimposing causality onto it. The "in the wake of catastrophe" bit is important but I don't have to make an argument about it outside the introduction because it's rather self-explanatory: the story is told (narrated, composed) after a catastrophe, i.e., the near-total destruction of their home. The part that I have to argue is the superimposition of causality... but "causality" is the wrong word... Maybe it's not.
Michael Andre Bernstein writes that, “Especially in the face of catastrophe […] [w]e try to make sense of a historical disaster by interpreting it, according to the strictest teleological model, as the climax of a bitter trajectory whose inevitable outcome it must be.” In all three novels, the disaster is the climax, that's certainly true, and Merricat's assertion that "The people of the village have always hated us" (6), certainly has the ring of a bitter trajectory. Maybe I need to jump right into a close reading with this one... What I'm most interested in currently (to answer anyhoo's question about questions) is Merricat's use of "always" and "never," and how these are contradicted by actual temporal markers or a lack thereof. She throws these words out a lot, so compiling my list will take time (which is kind of punny). I had thought about finishing Bernstein's book (Foregone Conclusions: Against Apocalyptic History) before doing the close readings, but it's not like I don't have time to reread The Castle, it's kind of a short book (214 pages), and taking extensive notes on it needs to be done sooner rather than later. So that's my task for tonight.
That and not thinking about what it is that I can't stop thinking about which is circular, much like this sentence.
And not to sound like a whipper-snapper or a cocky youth who will soon realize she knows less than she thought she did (I like to think I've passed that milestone, thank you), most of the things I've read about The Castle have made me wonder if these critics are actually reading the book. They present some very astute arguments and then throw in these blatant errors that leave me completely baffled. One I read the other night said something about the sisters subsisting on their foremothers' preserves in the cellar from here on out, but Merricat has already told us that "Each year Constance and Uncle Julian and I had jam or preserve or pickle that Constance had made, but we never touched what belonged to the others; Constance said it would kill us if we ate it" (61). Even more shocking, though, was the same critic's seemingly benign substitution of Merricat for Constance: he wrote that Uncle Julian liked to see Merricat reading, but Merricat tells us that "he liked to see Constance reading in the evening" (3). What makes this slip preposterous is that Uncle Julian, in his damaged mental condition, believes Merricat to be dead and never once acknowledges her existence.
But let's talk about me. My thesis topic, if I may remind us all, has to do with the narrator's tendency, in the wake of catastrophe, to reorganize the past by superimposing causality onto it. The "in the wake of catastrophe" bit is important but I don't have to make an argument about it outside the introduction because it's rather self-explanatory: the story is told (narrated, composed) after a catastrophe, i.e., the near-total destruction of their home. The part that I have to argue is the superimposition of causality... but "causality" is the wrong word... Maybe it's not.
Michael Andre Bernstein writes that, “Especially in the face of catastrophe […] [w]e try to make sense of a historical disaster by interpreting it, according to the strictest teleological model, as the climax of a bitter trajectory whose inevitable outcome it must be.” In all three novels, the disaster is the climax, that's certainly true, and Merricat's assertion that "The people of the village have always hated us" (6), certainly has the ring of a bitter trajectory. Maybe I need to jump right into a close reading with this one... What I'm most interested in currently (to answer anyhoo's question about questions) is Merricat's use of "always" and "never," and how these are contradicted by actual temporal markers or a lack thereof. She throws these words out a lot, so compiling my list will take time (which is kind of punny). I had thought about finishing Bernstein's book (Foregone Conclusions: Against Apocalyptic History) before doing the close readings, but it's not like I don't have time to reread The Castle, it's kind of a short book (214 pages), and taking extensive notes on it needs to be done sooner rather than later. So that's my task for tonight.
That and not thinking about what it is that I can't stop thinking about which is circular, much like this sentence.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
short day
No, not because I've just gotten up. Granted, I am just sitting down to really work, and I plan on getting up from this table in about three and a half hours, but that's plenty of time. Plenty of time for what? you ask, averting your eyes pointedly to the countdown over there on the right that says 49 days, 16 hours. It's plenty of time to have a library list for tomorrow and notate at least one book or several articles, maybe more. ...Why do I always start these things off so defensively? That whole not-beating-myself-up thing is not fooling anyone but me, is it? Hm...
I've decided that I'm going to concentrate on We Have Always Lived in the Castle this week, though I may throw in some cultural or literary studies in there. I'm thinking that it's better to focus on one book at a time at this juncture.
Just as I've been focusing on one non-English language this week (Spanish), though there are ulterior motives for that, I suppose. Let's just say it's the one most convenient to practice, at least conversationally, and the one I've had the most experience with. Start with the easy stuff, right? And the one that will come in most handy socially.
Ok, three hours. Go!
I've decided that I'm going to concentrate on We Have Always Lived in the Castle this week, though I may throw in some cultural or literary studies in there. I'm thinking that it's better to focus on one book at a time at this juncture.
Just as I've been focusing on one non-English language this week (Spanish), though there are ulterior motives for that, I suppose. Let's just say it's the one most convenient to practice, at least conversationally, and the one I've had the most experience with. Start with the easy stuff, right? And the one that will come in most handy socially.
Ok, three hours. Go!
one book down
Seven hundred eighty-two to go, right? Who knows. What I do know is that I'm tired and I got a fair number of things done today (though no Spanish this evening, but that's okay), and I have the beginnings of a library list for tomorrow, which is also a good thing. And if I don't get there until Thursday, that's fine. I have plenty of books here to keep me occupied. But the weather's so beautiful I may make a point of going just to get out of this chair, out of this house, away from this computer! After all, that's why we have these nifty things called post-its, right? So we can type up our notes when we get home? Exactly.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
rise and shiny
And again with the sleeping until 1 thing. I may just build my schedule around that instead of trying to force myself to alter my sleep schedule. Instead of beating myself up about not getting up when my alarm went off, I've decided to seize the day with some breakfast - I even poured myself some juice. I did not do the smiley face on purpose, but I did think it was too adorable not to take a picture of it and post it on my blog, so I will take full credit for the corniness of it all. I have my to-do list, I've eaten a healthy breakfast (finishing my tea now), and it's a balmy 63 degrees here in New York City. I think I'm set.
I'm feeling very optimistic today, I don't know why. I just sent a friend a birthday card from someecards.com which is a lot of fun, but I found myself trying to cancel out the biting remark with a little sunshine, and that's not only counterintuitive to the concept, but completely unlike me. Or maybe it's exactly like me, and I need to embrace my need to make everything nice and bitchy at the same time. Something to think about...
another day, another...
note-taking enterprise, is the only way I can think of to finish that sentence.
Why do I feel like it's been such a long day? And simultaneously like I haven't done anything. I have. I did things. I did laundry. During which I continued reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which is brilliant, of course. I can't believe I haven't read it before. This guy I dated for like three weeks when I was twenty made me watch the movie because he was convinced he was going to write the great American novel... That's a bit of a tangent. I totally just googled him.
Anyhoo, and far more importantly, I spent a great deal of the evening familiarizing myself with Microsoft OneNote 2007, which may be my spring fling. Or winter fling, I suppose. Either way, I'm far more excited about it than I probably should be. Especially in conjunction with a few websites that have been brought to my attention, including OneLook online dictionary, where you can do reverse look-ups; OttoBib, which creates citations for you in your chosen style from the ISBN; and ReadWriteWeb, especially the article I have linked at right which is a list of Web Apps for Students.
So I didn't do much reading, but I now feel more set-up to do so on a grand scale, so that's something. A little español before bed, I think. Tomorrow's another day.
Why do I feel like it's been such a long day? And simultaneously like I haven't done anything. I have. I did things. I did laundry. During which I continued reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which is brilliant, of course. I can't believe I haven't read it before. This guy I dated for like three weeks when I was twenty made me watch the movie because he was convinced he was going to write the great American novel... That's a bit of a tangent. I totally just googled him.
Anyhoo, and far more importantly, I spent a great deal of the evening familiarizing myself with Microsoft OneNote 2007, which may be my spring fling. Or winter fling, I suppose. Either way, I'm far more excited about it than I probably should be. Especially in conjunction with a few websites that have been brought to my attention, including OneLook online dictionary, where you can do reverse look-ups; OttoBib, which creates citations for you in your chosen style from the ISBN; and ReadWriteWeb, especially the article I have linked at right which is a list of Web Apps for Students.
So I didn't do much reading, but I now feel more set-up to do so on a grand scale, so that's something. A little español before bed, I think. Tomorrow's another day.
Monday, January 7, 2008
so much for that?
Well, let's just say I am pushing back my to do list until tomorrow... Extenuating circumstances kept me awake all night, so I didn't get up until 2. Among other things, my heat is unbearable sometimes, and we have no control over it. (JM [not his real initials, but that's a whole 'nother story] said he dreamt he was in Cancun, hehehe.) Anyway, am I beating myself up because of it? Not really. Repressing that urge. Going to do laundry, which is also essential, and then I will be reading and note-taking for several hours this evening, and maybe I'll get up tomorrow. More in a bit.
and another thing
I keep saying or thinking, "I really need to start working on my thesis." This is nonsensical on several levels. First of all, I've already written papers on two of the novels, which (among other things) means I've read the novels several times. Second, I have a huge amount of research on Pale Fire because not only did I write a paper on it, I have been planning on using it for my thesis for months now, which means I have a 25-page annotated bibliography on that book alone. Third, none of this is new. And neither am I.
To do for tomorrow:
1. take my external hard drive to see if they can retrieve any of my data (yeah, fried hard drive - woohoo!)
2. pick up Hattenhauer's book on Shirley Jackson from the library
3. go to the dept office to fill out a form
4. read, read, read
I can do that. 52 days is one page/day. One bite at a time. *chomp*
And tonight I'm going to spend an hour studying Spanish. Because I'm also trying to study four languages. In addition to English, of course. No sweat. And... go.
To do for tomorrow:
1. take my external hard drive to see if they can retrieve any of my data (yeah, fried hard drive - woohoo!)
2. pick up Hattenhauer's book on Shirley Jackson from the library
3. go to the dept office to fill out a form
4. read, read, read
I can do that. 52 days is one page/day. One bite at a time. *chomp*
And tonight I'm going to spend an hour studying Spanish. Because I'm also trying to study four languages. In addition to English, of course. No sweat. And... go.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Here we go...
I don't really know where to start, so I've just started typing. Here's the deal: I am writing my master's thesis, and I really have no idea what I'm doing - except that I know I'm not giving myself enough credit by saying that. I actually have a pretty good idea what I'm doing, obviously, otherwise my adviser would not have agreed to supervise me. I've decided to do this online because I'm hoping to force myself to write more, to get my ideas down on paper, to stay organized and on task and all that, so we'll see how it goes.
Here's my title: "Making (Non)Sense: The Logic of Superimposed Causality in the Early Cold War American Novel."
And the proposal I turned in, which sort of doubles as my abstract at the moment, is: "This analysis of Vladimir Nabokov’s Pale Fire, Kurt Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle, and Shirley Jackson’s We Have Always Lived in the Castle explores how the narrators’ tendency, in the wake of catastrophe, to reorganize the past by superimposing causality onto it reflects a wider cultural politics in early Cold War America." Not too shabby, right?
We'll see how it goes. Oh, and my first due date, the day I have to turn in this 50-page monster to my advisor for her first read-through - February 28th. Which, as my friend and fellow-thesis-writer kept reminding me last night over beers, is Really Soon. Yes. Yes, it is. How soon? we ask. 53 days. Less than, really, because I'm sure I won't be giving the thing to her at 9pm. I need a countdown... Which is now to the right there.
And already I'm at the point where if one more person asks me how "the paper" is coming, I'm going to scream. It's not "a paper." And calling it "a paper" makes it sound like nothing, like it's some frivolous thing I'm doing, this going to grad school. Like this being a writer thing. That really hurts my feelings and makes me not want to talk to certain people, to be perfectly honest. This is really important to me. It's the longest thing I will have written up to this point, and it is the thing that will get me into a PhD program. (Hopefully.) And a good one! Because it will be brilliant. ;)
Here's my title: "Making (Non)Sense: The Logic of Superimposed Causality in the Early Cold War American Novel."
And the proposal I turned in, which sort of doubles as my abstract at the moment, is: "This analysis of Vladimir Nabokov’s Pale Fire, Kurt Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle, and Shirley Jackson’s We Have Always Lived in the Castle explores how the narrators’ tendency, in the wake of catastrophe, to reorganize the past by superimposing causality onto it reflects a wider cultural politics in early Cold War America." Not too shabby, right?
We'll see how it goes. Oh, and my first due date, the day I have to turn in this 50-page monster to my advisor for her first read-through - February 28th. Which, as my friend and fellow-thesis-writer kept reminding me last night over beers, is Really Soon. Yes. Yes, it is. How soon? we ask. 53 days. Less than, really, because I'm sure I won't be giving the thing to her at 9pm. I need a countdown... Which is now to the right there.
And already I'm at the point where if one more person asks me how "the paper" is coming, I'm going to scream. It's not "a paper." And calling it "a paper" makes it sound like nothing, like it's some frivolous thing I'm doing, this going to grad school. Like this being a writer thing. That really hurts my feelings and makes me not want to talk to certain people, to be perfectly honest. This is really important to me. It's the longest thing I will have written up to this point, and it is the thing that will get me into a PhD program. (Hopefully.) And a good one! Because it will be brilliant. ;)
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