to blog yesterday. No matter; I didn't get much accomplished yesterday, as far as the thesis goes at least. I haven't been feeling very motivated lately, which is ironic considering I just made the decision to commit all of my energy to getting this thesis done. But, you know, when one has very little energy, one has very little energy to devote to anything.
No matter! Today I am feeling quite studious. I've started my day off with a good breakfast, a little NYTimes reading, a little blogging, a little emailing - I'm ready to go. My plan for today: first on the agenda is some intensive reading. I'm going to spend the next four hours working as diligently as I can manage, and then I can take a bit of a break, and I'll take it from there. I've found a possible reward for tomorrow night, so I need to have something to reward myself for, right?
Actually, I'm not giving myself enough credit, I think. Yesterday I read two brief theoretical essays, I finished a critical chapter on Vonnegut (meaning I have a book to return), I went to the grocery store (food is a necessity, after all), and I spent a fair amount of time on the phone with friends, which is always good. I think I would feel like I was getting more done if I was writing more (I haven't added to that daily reflection project yet), but I don't have that much to write yet, I'm still reading. I think I'm just a little afraid that I'm following the wrong lead, that I'm reading things that won't help me, that I'm wasting precious time I don't have. Perhaps I should do an evaluation of the books that I have, I'm sure at least a few of them will be completely extraneous to my purposes, and then I won't feel like I have a mountain of books to get through and that it's impossible. Ok. Good.
Like I say, playing this thing as I go.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
argh
I'm having such a hard time staying on task. I need to not be chained to this laptop, I think. I don't know what I need. Why do I almost always feel like I'm going stir crazy?
great Vonnegut quote
From an interview with C.D.B. Bryan, "Kurt Vonnegut, Head Bokononist," New York Times Book Review, 6 April 1969, p. 2 (italics in original).
"I've worried some about why write books, when Presidents and Senators and generals do not read them, [...] and the university experience taught me a very good reason: you catch people before they become generals and Senators and Presidents, and you poison their minds with humanity. Encourage them to make a better world."
Yeah.
"I've worried some about why write books, when Presidents and Senators and generals do not read them, [...] and the university experience taught me a very good reason: you catch people before they become generals and Senators and Presidents, and you poison their minds with humanity. Encourage them to make a better world."
Yeah.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
library day
I feel like I've accomplished something today. Whether I have or not, I'm not quite sure, but let's just assume that I have. I finished reading another book. Of course, I also picked one up off the shelves and I have three on hold waiting for me downstairs. And I didn't do a theory day, but I'm making it a short day, I think. I'm getting hungry.
I'm not sure about this whole lugging-my-laptop-around thing. I'm afraid it's going to get broken or something (read: stolen), and I have to take it home before I do anything for just that reason. Which means I'm going to lose valuable reading time traveling back to my apartment and then coming back into the city. Hmm...
31 days and counting. I just wrote down a bunch of call numbers, but the idea of carting even more books home tonight is not particularly appealing, so perhaps I will make a deal with myself to do a library run first thing tomorrow, sans laptop. I will also drop the thing I have to drop in the mail in the mail, and then stop at the grocery store since I obviously don't want to carry things tonight. That way I can work from home and still get out of the house. Have to get my vitamin D somehow, even if it is freezing. Going out at night doesn't really count, does it? Nope. Sure is fun though. Work hard, play hard.
I'm not sure about this whole lugging-my-laptop-around thing. I'm afraid it's going to get broken or something (read: stolen), and I have to take it home before I do anything for just that reason. Which means I'm going to lose valuable reading time traveling back to my apartment and then coming back into the city. Hmm...
31 days and counting. I just wrote down a bunch of call numbers, but the idea of carting even more books home tonight is not particularly appealing, so perhaps I will make a deal with myself to do a library run first thing tomorrow, sans laptop. I will also drop the thing I have to drop in the mail in the mail, and then stop at the grocery store since I obviously don't want to carry things tonight. That way I can work from home and still get out of the house. Have to get my vitamin D somehow, even if it is freezing. Going out at night doesn't really count, does it? Nope. Sure is fun though. Work hard, play hard.
twas not a day for plowing
I did finish with one of them, however, which is good, and I started another. AND I think I've settled on a theoretical angle, which is huge. It's something I should have had nailed down months ago, but while I absolutely love theory, I don't have enough experience with it to throw names and phrases around.
And I formed a sort of mental schedule, which I've been saying I was going to do for weeks now and haven't. I hate making schedules and daily plans because I hate feeling guilty when I don't follow them. And I caught myself thinking, starting Monday..., and you know what, that's not happening. Why don't I start tomorrow? It will be good for me to get out of the house. I could go to brunch! Why didn't I think of that before?? Probably because it's not a good idea to reward myself before I do anything... And I've no one to go with tomorrow, so perhaps I should set something up for next week. I'm not mentally prepared to go where I really want to go yet anyway. There either. I could go to the one I haven't been to in a while, later in the day, they have brunch until 4:30. It's a bit expensive though. We'll see.
It's supposed to snow tomorrow.
Tomorrow we are library-bound. I like the double meaning there: that I'm headed for the library and at the same time that I will be chained there. It means I will get more work done. There are too many distractions here. I let myself get too distracted here. I'm even going to pack my bag before I go to bed tonight. I have two books to return, and I have to decide how many to take with me... I have to pick one up there. I have twelve sitting here in front of me, and I need to get them done in a matter of days because I have to get a whole bunch more now. In fact, I think I may only take two tomorrow and check out a couple theory books because I'll most likely have to do more than skim them.
I think I should also start doing daily reflection papers for myself. Just a page or two, my own words, no pressure, but I need to start putting more of my own thoughts into print. Tonight I have nothing to write. I will set up a reflection document though. ...What do you know, I had a little bit to say. Always good to recap, right?
Had been thinking of a nightcap, but it seems I don't need one. Sleepy. Hasta la mañana.
And I formed a sort of mental schedule, which I've been saying I was going to do for weeks now and haven't. I hate making schedules and daily plans because I hate feeling guilty when I don't follow them. And I caught myself thinking, starting Monday..., and you know what, that's not happening. Why don't I start tomorrow? It will be good for me to get out of the house. I could go to brunch! Why didn't I think of that before?? Probably because it's not a good idea to reward myself before I do anything... And I've no one to go with tomorrow, so perhaps I should set something up for next week. I'm not mentally prepared to go where I really want to go yet anyway. There either. I could go to the one I haven't been to in a while, later in the day, they have brunch until 4:30. It's a bit expensive though. We'll see.
It's supposed to snow tomorrow.
Tomorrow we are library-bound. I like the double meaning there: that I'm headed for the library and at the same time that I will be chained there. It means I will get more work done. There are too many distractions here. I let myself get too distracted here. I'm even going to pack my bag before I go to bed tonight. I have two books to return, and I have to decide how many to take with me... I have to pick one up there. I have twelve sitting here in front of me, and I need to get them done in a matter of days because I have to get a whole bunch more now. In fact, I think I may only take two tomorrow and check out a couple theory books because I'll most likely have to do more than skim them.
I think I should also start doing daily reflection papers for myself. Just a page or two, my own words, no pressure, but I need to start putting more of my own thoughts into print. Tonight I have nothing to write. I will set up a reflection document though. ...What do you know, I had a little bit to say. Always good to recap, right?
Had been thinking of a nightcap, but it seems I don't need one. Sleepy. Hasta la mañana.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
(re)new(ed) energy
I feel so rejuvenated. I could be cynical and say it's because I saw how messed up some other people's lives are, but that would be a gross misrepresentation of how I actually feel. Be that as it may, I had some much needed shopping therapy on my way back to the city, with purchases including a desk and a bookshelf, both completely essential, which means I can start working in my room as soon as I clean my desk off. I moved everything out of my room and put everything back into it in an almost entirely different configuration, AND I did laundry, and I still got out of here in time to do a little salsa dancing on the lower east side. And all that after getting up and driving the rental car all the way up to frickin' LaGuardia, meaning I got totally lost like four times. Why do I do this to myself? I always say I'm never going to drive in the city again, and then I do. No parking tickets this time, though, which brings the grand total of times I've rented a car or truck and not gotten a ticket - 2. Really. The one time I even got up at 6 to move the car, and what happened? From one no parking zone to another. Brilliant. That's what I get for not having put my contacts in to drive around the block. How people own cars here, I have no idea.
Here's something. I've been kicking around going back to paid-employment, and my very good friend told me last week, "not to sound like your dad or anything," that he thought I should, and I said, "that's funny, because I doubt my father thinks I should be working right now." Me and my big mouth. So I relay this exchange to my dad over lunch last week, and what does he say? "Actually, I think you should get a job." "Just part time," he and my sister assured me. And THEN: last night, same very good friend, says this into my ear, not looking at me: "I just think you're being lazy right now." I'm taking this out of context, and of course words on a screen don't convey tone in the least (his tone was, it's fine, it's understandable, you like having a break, no one wants to work, but you know you should - that kind of thing: not aggressive, but very much a 'come on, you know better' type deal), but LAZY?? My feelings were hurt. He took back the lazy bit, but it highlights that not very many people in my life understand what I'm doing here. And last week, I was one of those people, and somehow now I feel like I have a bit more perspective. I want to go back to work, I do, as much as I know I will hate it I miss my work friends, I miss - well, the whole thing really: the money, the interaction, even the big fake smiles. But I'm scared I will let it take over my life again, and without weekly classes and assignments, I am (legitimately, I think) worried my thesis will get away from me. And I can't afford to let that happen.
Hence, the new perspective this afternoon: this is my career we're talking about. This is serious. I'm not fucking around, taking my time writing a paper. This is a big deal.
At the same time, however (there's always a but, isn't there?), it is just a paper, in a sense. It is a paper I am prepared to write, one I am being trained for, one that I am perfectly capable of successfully completing.
And just as I pulled off the fall semester with full blown A's while working full time until the week before finals, I totally think I could pull off my thesis while working. But the thing is: I don't want to just pull it off. I'm tired of bullshitting the big stuff because I have so much else going on. Which sounds like I'm ready to focus.
Today, we plow through that stack of library books. And... go.
Here's something. I've been kicking around going back to paid-employment, and my very good friend told me last week, "not to sound like your dad or anything," that he thought I should, and I said, "that's funny, because I doubt my father thinks I should be working right now." Me and my big mouth. So I relay this exchange to my dad over lunch last week, and what does he say? "Actually, I think you should get a job." "Just part time," he and my sister assured me. And THEN: last night, same very good friend, says this into my ear, not looking at me: "I just think you're being lazy right now." I'm taking this out of context, and of course words on a screen don't convey tone in the least (his tone was, it's fine, it's understandable, you like having a break, no one wants to work, but you know you should - that kind of thing: not aggressive, but very much a 'come on, you know better' type deal), but LAZY?? My feelings were hurt. He took back the lazy bit, but it highlights that not very many people in my life understand what I'm doing here. And last week, I was one of those people, and somehow now I feel like I have a bit more perspective. I want to go back to work, I do, as much as I know I will hate it I miss my work friends, I miss - well, the whole thing really: the money, the interaction, even the big fake smiles. But I'm scared I will let it take over my life again, and without weekly classes and assignments, I am (legitimately, I think) worried my thesis will get away from me. And I can't afford to let that happen.
Hence, the new perspective this afternoon: this is my career we're talking about. This is serious. I'm not fucking around, taking my time writing a paper. This is a big deal.
At the same time, however (there's always a but, isn't there?), it is just a paper, in a sense. It is a paper I am prepared to write, one I am being trained for, one that I am perfectly capable of successfully completing.
And just as I pulled off the fall semester with full blown A's while working full time until the week before finals, I totally think I could pull off my thesis while working. But the thing is: I don't want to just pull it off. I'm tired of bullshitting the big stuff because I have so much else going on. Which sounds like I'm ready to focus.
Today, we plow through that stack of library books. And... go.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Home
is a funny thing. This short trip is very good for me. No thesis stuff until I get back in the city Friday.
My nephew is the most beautiful creature to have ever been born. I'm not kidding. I was prepared to coo over a little old man face, but he's gorgeous. I held him as much as possible today while he dreamed little infant dreams in my arms.
Also, for sushi lovers such as myself, this is not good news. Tuna is probably one of my favorite things ever. Ah, well. As the article says, there are plenty of other sushi options. Eel is also quite delicious, especially with cucumber and avocado, that bbq sauce they put on top of it...
Tata for now.
My nephew is the most beautiful creature to have ever been born. I'm not kidding. I was prepared to coo over a little old man face, but he's gorgeous. I held him as much as possible today while he dreamed little infant dreams in my arms.
Also, for sushi lovers such as myself, this is not good news. Tuna is probably one of my favorite things ever. Ah, well. As the article says, there are plenty of other sushi options. Eel is also quite delicious, especially with cucumber and avocado, that bbq sauce they put on top of it...
Tata for now.
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